Like any useless person with too much time and nothing to do, I’m spending the night watching random YouTube videos. I had a phase where I was trying to accept my sexuality where I watched a lot of coming out videos. I still like watching them and YouTube feels the need to recommend it to me every time a cool new one is out there. I was watching The Rhodes Bros coming out to their dad and it was super emotional. It all seemed quite nice until something their dad said really stuck with me. He said, “I can’t undo being your father and I can’t ask you to change.” And it got me thinking (as usually pretty much anything does after midnight) that even the people who do accept you for your sexual orientation or your gender, does it mean loving you unconditionally because that’s what it’s supposed to be like? If they were given a chance, would they change you?

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It sucks that we live in a world where loving the same gender or being a different gender than the one you’re born with or not wanting to have sex makes you into something that needs to be ‘accepted’, as if it’s an obstacle that together we’ll get through. I get that it won’t change overnight. I’m just saying that it sucks it is the way it is. But if really given a chance, would the people who love us want the obstacle to completely go away? Not have it their in the first place?

I can’t blame them. I mean, I remember the nights where I’ve stayed up wanting it to go away. I’ve prayed over and over that I’ll wake up the next morning and I wouldn’t like girls anymore. I’ll be…normal. I wouldn’t have this struggle where I have to keep such a big part of me hidden like it’s a dirty secret. Because it isn’t. If my brother can like girls, why can’t I? Is penis supposed to be the free pass for liking chicks?

As I said, it sucks. But it still pinches me that the few friends that I have come out to would ever think that it would be easier if I wasn’t the way I am.

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