I’m here, I’m there, I’m everywhere. And yet, nobody wants to listen to me. I am literally the most ignored entity in the history of the universe. I can say that with conviction because I know everything. I also know that unless I put out a New York Times bestselling autobiography with my face and a catchy tagline on the cover, none of you are going to listen to me. So here goes my last ditch effort at putting out my story. The real one.

You’re probably wondering why you should care enough to read this. Well, hun, if you can read all that fake news, I’m sure an autobiography shouldn’t be too tough. Sidenote: You have to care enough to read this because I said you have to care enough to read this. If you can misinterpret ancient texts and kill gay people, I’m sure reading a couple more lines wouldn’t be too tough.

I guess I should start by introducing myself. I am God, the Lord, Ruler of the Heavens Above (well, above you), Allah, Vishnu, Zeus, Ra, Father of Jesus- whatever you want to call me. I personally prefer Almighty. Call me Al.

It all started when I was playing around with this solar nebula and got distracted by an exploding star. (You know how supernovas can be.) So this nebula decide to ‘go its own way’. *insert eye roll* Anyway, one thing led to another and this huge red planet was formed all on its own with no help from me. Honestly, I didn’t lift a finger. I did turn my back, but I didn’t lift a single finger, I swear.

I sat there and watched it for a couple billion years. It was pretty interesting. You gotta understand, four and a half billion years ago, that was prime time entertainment. Dust and debris kept colliding with it like little kids playing a stupidly violent game. Fun and all. Soon, it started to take solid form. It even began looking beautiful, so I thought, “Hey, you know what would be more interesting? Having little things run around there.” In my defense, I didn’t have Legos. That was the closest it got for me.

I created animals and plants and humans and… Holy Me. That’s when all the trouble started.